사람으로서 해야할 것

사람으로서 해야할 것 누가 정하는 건가?

누가 우리를 만들었을까. 우리의 운명은 정말 우리가 정하는 건가. 나는 다른 사람의 판에서 착하게 노는 것 같다. 내 일만 잘 하면, 세상이 계속 돌아갈 것이다… 내가 이렇게만 하면 다들 행복할 것이다…

근데 이 세상에서 내 일은 정말 무엇인가? 내가 뭐 때문에 살고 있는지. 내가 왜 존재하고 있는지. 이 세상 더 이상 없으면 내가 어떤 사람이 될지. 

내가 너무 착하게 살아온 것 같다. 그냥 한번만, 딱 한번만 용감하게 과감하게 살고 싶다. 

소희 드림

that is sad

Today I worked with my coworker in China who is around my age. We called one time last year to work together before she left for maternity leave and although we didn’t really talk about much, I felt really comfortable with her. I’ve never met her in person, but thought she had a really cute and bubbly personality. I remember she was so surprised and impressed that I could speak Chinese and kept complimenting me. Today she also told me that it takes her a long time to feel close to someone, but she said she felt 亲切, a friendly and close feeling, even when we talked briefly last year.

When she came back from maternity leave, she took on a lot of work and was able to solve a lot of problems in China by herself, which I thought was so impressive, and not only me but my whole team was really impressed. I thought she was around my age, and turns out she is two years older than me. I called her to see what she was working on to help, but I quickly realized that I couldn’t answer her questions, and would have to take a closer look later. I told her that she is so cool and how much her work speaks for herself, even when she mentions that she is just quiet and normal. She told me not to admire her too much, that it is something that is just 常态, or normal, in China. That everyone lives like this.

She also talked about her pains as a mother. The weight she gained, the illnesses that she got, and the medicine she has to take now. Even though she is only two years older than me, she said she feels like she has aged so much. Although I could still feel her bright and bubbly energy, she probably only feels the pressure and weight of all the responsibility that is now a part of her life. She told me that she doesn’t even have the time to feel frustrated — in the time that it takes for her to argue, she will just do what she has to do.

She told me that as a mother, she feels like she is no longer herself. I realized how much mothers in China are expected to do because it is just expected of them to do so — working and being independent, taking care of a newborn, amongst many other things. I asked her if her husband helps her out and she said he is one of the better ones and used to, but he too was impacted by the culture and started helping out less and less. And soon everything became her responsibility, just because it is something she “has to do”. She now has a daughter, and she said she would tell her daughter not to get married or have kids. She encouraged me to live my life and gain new experiences in life — maybe because it is something that she never got to do, or maybe it is because she feels like that is the right way to go about one’s life.

I got a lot of insight, joy, and sadness from this conversation. I was so happy to find a coworker I was able to connect with on this level. It also made me feel like all my concerns were so trivial and that my life is so easy. It made me grateful and also inspired me.

When she told me all of this, at some point, I told her “that is sad”. And she was quiet for a long time. Later she texted me about this and told me she was happy to talk to me and share our different perspectives. She said that at the moment, she didn’t know how to respond when I told her “that is sad”. She responded that different countries’ cultural and societal conditions will bring different problems and that everyone has their own life problems to solve. But whether it is a good or bad thing, it is still an experience in one’s life, and not to worry.

I sometimes wonder what my life would’ve been like if I grew up in China. I always wonder if it would’ve been better. But I think she is right. Regardless, no matter where we are in life, everyone will still have their own problems, and that is just part of the experience of life. 

xoxo,

dramaqueensoph