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누구나 나한테 괜찮냐고 물어보면, 나는 항상 괜찮다고 답을 한다. 근데 나는 사실 안 괜찮다.
모두 다 그냥 감당하기 너무 힘든 것 같다. 내가 이렇게 얼마동안 더 버틸 수 있을까. 나는 자신이 없다. 버틸 힘은 있는데 버틸 자신 있는지 모르겠다. 버티는 게 맞는지도… 가끔 이거 다 끝냈으면 좋겠다. 나는 내 자신으로 돌아가고 싶은데 이제 돌아갈 수도 없다.
내가 뭐가 원하는 건지, 뭐가 나를 행복해하는지 요새 잘 모르겠다. 나는 그냥 너무 지친 것 같다. 괜찮은 척하는 게 너무 피곤한 것 같다.
사실 나는 내가 괜찮을 줄 알았거든. 근데 내가 그 질문 나한테 물어보면 자꾸 눈물이 나.
나는 편한 자리에서 너무 오랫동안 머물고 있었다. 나의 갈 길을 찾는 게 왜 그리 어려운가. 요새 내가 그냥 똑같은 반복되는 삶을 살고 있는 것 같다. 내 삶의 의미 정말 무엇인가…
내가 해야할 것이 있는데 하고 싶어서 하는 건 아니고 그냥 해야돼서 하는 것이다. 내가 잘 한 거 솔직히 뭐가 있을까. 다른 사람들 갈 길 안 찾아도 행복해 보이는데 나만 의지 없고 무기력한가? 매일 일어나고 일 대충 하고 밥을 먹고 컨텐츠 소비하고 자고 다시 일어나고. 가끔 나도 내가 비참하다. 근데 내가 하는 일 완전 싫어하는 것도 아니라서 뭐라도 말할 수도 없고.
나는 지금 잘 살고 있는 거 인식하고 잘 알고 있다. 지금 보다 더 행복하게, 더 잘 살 수 있는데, 못 해서 답답하긴 한데 나중에 후회하지 않도록 지금이라도 열심히 살아봐야겠다.
One of my friends told me last year that if she could choose from either being more smart or more pretty, she would rather be more pretty. I remember I was surprised, because I thought she would surely say the opposite. Wouldn’t being smarter get you further in life? You get more respect from family and peers, a good paying job, and just more potential in life. Maybe it’s because I am working in a field that is more results-oriented, and while almost no one will praise you for being pretty, they do all the time for doing a good job. In the dating scene, maybe the opposite is true, but as someone who grew up never really caring too much about dating, I never found looks to be that important. Especially growing up in the US, I found it almost never to be a factor to get what I really wanted.
I also came to the realization that maybe because I never wanted to be prettier, that maybe I was already a baseline level of “pretty”, or at least enough for people to see me as a nice, approachable girl. Because I never thought of myself as “pretty”, I never used that fact actively to my advantage. Maybe I’m bragging, but in my experience, nothing happened to me just because I was “pretty”. Most people in my engineering classes didn’t want to work with people just because they’re “pretty”. Maybe that’s why I found it really difficult to make friends in my engineering classes, and why some girls disliked me for no apparent reason.
I never wished to be more pretty, but I always wished to be more smart. I wish I could grasp concepts faster, and to just be “good” at what I do, like all of my peers. I was always envious of my peers who could put less time into something and achieve far better results. Maybe that’s one of my biggest insecurities. If only I was smarter, I wouldn’t have to struggle doing this. If only I could naturally grasp this concept, wouldn’t people think I’m cool and want to work with me? Even though I am confident about many things, like my ability to approach situations and people, I know that there are so many people who are just so much smarter than me, which makes me more insecure about my intelligence.
But maybe it’s time to use my strengths to my advantage. Maybe it’s not just about being pretty or being smart, but how to best use what you have to your advantage.
xoxo,
dramaqueensoph
Last year, a lot of things happened in my life, and I did a lot of things that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. In many ways, you can say that I’m doing all I ever wanted to do. I know that this year can be even better, and although I know it might be hard to compare, but I hope that 2024 is even better.
My new year resolutions:
xoxo,
dramaqueensoph
I started calling her that after one of my friends started referring to her as petty. I always thought that with age comes maturity, but that was definitely not the case with her.
If I go back to the beginning of the whole situation, it all started two months ago when I was honestly sharing the things I had discussed with my boyfriend about her relationship. Things I said hurt her, and immediately the following day, she started completely ignoring me. I tried to reach out to her, to apologize for my words, but she refused to acknowledge or talk to me, until she finally reached back out to talk. I remember I felt so much guilt for letting this happen, for hurting her. I always shared what I was thinking at the time, and the one thing I vividly remember her saying was “I guess I can be less hostile towards you”. Not one sign of reflection or speck of apologeticness in her voice. I remember I cried a lot because I felt so overwhelmed with guilt and I desperately wanted the situation to improve and for misunderstandings to be cleared. But it seemed like she did not want to even interact. She listened to my apology, and told me that she needs time for herself to distance herself. I just wanted things to work out, so naively I felt semi-satisfied with that response and we ended that conversation.
Weeks passed by and the same petty behavior continued. When I would walk into the common space, she would immediately put her head down and start ignoring me, while everyone else would greet me. Later, she blamed this on her “personality”. That it is difficult for her to socialize with people. She would intentionally do malicious things like not let me borrow her things, making the exact same sushi bake that I was planning on making with my friend because she wanted a reasonable excuse to not let me use her baking pans. She would purposely hold events with our other roommate to specifically exclude me (as the other roommate would always extend the invitation to me out of courtesy). With the silent treatment and the purposeful exclusion of me in house events, it just felt malicious. Before I felt for New York, she even apologized to me for being rude because her boyfriend told her to. I felt so validated that I was not the horrible person in this situation. Even though I knew I was the bigger person, the way she acted around me made it easy to forget, and that constant reminder took a toll on me. I just wanted to escape this situation.
We had a roommate dinner yesterday as per her suggestion. Previously, the other roommate “S” had apologized to me for not letting me know about her birthday party, but she also mentioned that the petty roommate made it a larger celebration than she intended it to be. Petty roommate overheard, and wanted S to feel bad for all petty roommate did to cook and celebrate her birthday. I guess my petty roommate’s goal was achieved. S did feel bad for her and expressed appreciation for her. However, when she was talking to me, I just felt like she was taking everything I had to say and spinning it in a way that made her seem like the reasonable one. She had something to say every time I called her out for her petty actions. She even called herself petty and said that she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. She straight up rudely ignored me and then proceeded to blame it on her “personality”, to which the other roommate was nodding. She said her “personality” is not being inviting or friendly. I felt like it was so hard to believe that her excuse for being a shitty person was that it was her “personality”. She couldn’t even acknowledge that these things hurt me, and continued to focus on how she would not be able to interact with me.
She asked to have another talk today, and she said that after thinking about it, she can see my point, but she does not have the maturity to move past this, so she will continue to act the same way. But at the same time she does not have ill will towards me. I feel like that is very hard to believe, as the way she acts towards me does not reflect that at all.
It makes me wonder how she has friends. But I guess that’s not important. I feel like through this whole situation, I was actually able to clearly see what kind of person she is, and I was able to see through her manipulative and scheming acts.
Because in the end, I feel like she is doing all of this to me as a way to avoid her insecurities. Because she probably feels inferior and insecure and in turn wants to dim my light. She sees something in me that she doesn’t have and tries to talk me down and make me unlikable.
I think it’s clear to me what I want to do now. I’m just going to ignore her and live my best life.
xoxo,
dramaqueensoph
Today I went to go talk to a therapist.
When I walked into her home office, I thought it looked like those houses where in Criminal Minds, bodies might be stored. It was an old house, and one of the rooms was made into an office space. Not going to lie, I did have a passing thought that I might be taken hostage in the house, but thankfully I was left unscathed.
The conversation started with me just talking about myself and things that worried me. Roommates, work, relationships.
At first, I felt like the way she agreed with me was kind of annoying and made me lose my train of thought a couple times, but the things she asked me about later really showed how much she was paying attention to what I was saying. It felt like she was hugging me with her words.
I felt a lot of understanding and love from her tone and attitude. She told me that we all have something to bring to this world. That we are all here for a reason. That every country, every person has something of worth. It seemed like everything she was saying brought tears to my eyes.
She also shared with me a short poem by Rumi.
Somewhere beyond right and wrong there is a garden. I will meet you there.
Rumi
She told me, every time there’s something of againstness, the world gets worse. And I could tell that she was someone who has a really strong understanding of herself and has a lot of love for people.
I think one big takeaway I got from our conversation is the importance of knowing yourself very well. I think only then can you confidently make the correct decisions for yourself. She told me that mistakes are but a process of getting to know yourself.
She had a lot of positive things to say about me, and the people around me, and that made me feel at ease. She told me that she could tell that I was a kind person because I cried easily, and for some reason, I really appreciated that. By the end, I had gathered a good pile of used-up tissues and was looking for the trash can. She took them in her hands, even though I felt really bad because I thought that was the grossest thing ever. But in a way, that small action made me feel cared for. That she was willing to touch my nasty snot-riddled tissues (or maybe it was because the trash cans were close to the bodies 👀).
Afterwards, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief and joy – a good, cleansed feeling in myself that I had not felt in a long time. I felt like the whole world was back in my hands, and things were just going to work out for me.
xoxo,
dramaqueensoph
It’s almost midnight in New York and I’m on the plane, busy racking my brain, trying to think of the person that I used to be. The kind of person my friends remember me as. The person I used to think I was. I used to think that I had everything. Everything that I ever wanted and ever needed. Maybe too many things changed in my life at once. Life somehow feels hard. Everything feels like a choice. A choice between two things that will result in two completely different endings. Ever since I was a kid, I was someone that was never able to choose. I could never choose what was best for me. I couldn’t choose what I wanted for myself. So I let other people choose for me. Choice felt like something so daunting. And the consequences were something that I didn’t even want to even think about.
But I desperately want to be able to choose. I want to be able to exercise the muscle to decide my own life. I don’t want to play a playbook someone else has already written. But it’s so hard. I wish someone could just tell me all the right answers. I wish I could have the cheat sheet for the game called life. I place so much trust in others, but do I have trust in myself? Can I trust myself to make the right choice for myself?
I want to say that I can choose my own path. But I’m scared. I’m scared of so many things that don’t even exist. They are just part of my own imagination, obstacles that don’t even exist in reality. But the more scared we are, the more we should face it head on, that way we can move forward and look back without regrets.
xoxo,
dramaqueensoph
Today I found a document that I poured my deepest and darkest thoughts in during the college application process. I knew that I had written all of it in a Google doc, but I thought that somehow it was gone forever, so I was surprised to find it today. Even though I remembered that I thought highly of myself, I realized that I was such an insecure child, who perhaps questioned her purpose in life too much. It felt weird that all these things that were so important to me then now seem so insignificant. I guess that’s how I am able to do things with a level of confidence, because I know that all the things that I feel so strongly about right now will also one day become very insignificant. So I know that I should just do what I want. At least that’s the theory.
xoxo,
dramaqueensoph
Random Musings
15.10.10 11:15pm
Sometimes I wonder how my life would be if I were born in a less privileged place. How I would be different. How I would fight for the basic needs that I take for granted. It seems unfair that I have everything in my life.
When I think about death, it seems scary. But the scarier part is will anyone be sad about it. Will my death even impact people? It’s scary to think that we all fear death so much that we do all we can today to avoid it.
I sometimes imagine myself as a princess. I picture myself sitting in my room, filled with glorious treasures and happy to be where I am. When I was little and even today, I always wish to have a different lifestyle. A life where everything I did was purely for the fun of it and not because I had some external force making me do it. What if I was picked up by the wrong parents at birth? How would my life be different? I sometimes think of that and wonder at all of the things in my life that could’ve happened but never even happened.
I know my personality is bad. I know. I know I should probably do better on tests and SATs and actually try to spend my time efficiently. But the reality is that’s never going to happen. I’m never going to be productive and I’m going to want to do the things I like to do, no matter what.
At times, I think that I’ll miss my parents when I go to college, but for the moment I just want to leave. I want to experience a different feeling. Just experience life without the hindrance and annoyance of parents. I don’t understand. I’m just annoyed of people these days. I honestly don’t know why I keep living on when I can just put an end to my pointless life of homework and essays.
사람으로서 해야할 것 누가 정하는 건가?
누가 우리를 만들었을까. 우리의 운명은 정말 우리가 정하는 건가. 나는 다른 사람의 판에서 착하게 노는 것 같다. 내 일만 잘 하면, 세상이 계속 돌아갈 것이다… 내가 이렇게만 하면 다들 행복할 것이다…
근데 이 세상에서 내 일은 정말 무엇인가? 내가 뭐 때문에 살고 있는지. 내가 왜 존재하고 있는지. 이 세상 더 이상 없으면 내가 어떤 사람이 될지.
내가 너무 착하게 살아온 것 같다. 그냥 한번만, 딱 한번만 용감하게 과감하게 살고 싶다.
소희 드림
Today I worked with my coworker in China who is around my age. We called one time last year to work together before she left for maternity leave and although we didn’t really talk about much, I felt really comfortable with her. I’ve never met her in person, but thought she had a really cute and bubbly personality. I remember she was so surprised and impressed that I could speak Chinese and kept complimenting me. Today she also told me that it takes her a long time to feel close to someone, but she said she felt 亲切, a friendly and close feeling, even when we talked briefly last year.
When she came back from maternity leave, she took on a lot of work and was able to solve a lot of problems in China by herself, which I thought was so impressive, and not only me but my whole team was really impressed. I thought she was around my age, and turns out she is two years older than me. I called her to see what she was working on to help, but I quickly realized that I couldn’t answer her questions, and would have to take a closer look later. I told her that she is so cool and how much her work speaks for herself, even when she mentions that she is just quiet and normal. She told me not to admire her too much, that it is something that is just 常态, or normal, in China. That everyone lives like this.
She also talked about her pains as a mother. The weight she gained, the illnesses that she got, and the medicine she has to take now. Even though she is only two years older than me, she said she feels like she has aged so much. Although I could still feel her bright and bubbly energy, she probably only feels the pressure and weight of all the responsibility that is now a part of her life. She told me that she doesn’t even have the time to feel frustrated — in the time that it takes for her to argue, she will just do what she has to do.
She told me that as a mother, she feels like she is no longer herself. I realized how much mothers in China are expected to do because it is just expected of them to do so — working and being independent, taking care of a newborn, amongst many other things. I asked her if her husband helps her out and she said he is one of the better ones and used to, but he too was impacted by the culture and started helping out less and less. And soon everything became her responsibility, just because it is something she “has to do”. She now has a daughter, and she said she would tell her daughter not to get married or have kids. She encouraged me to live my life and gain new experiences in life — maybe because it is something that she never got to do, or maybe it is because she feels like that is the right way to go about one’s life.
I got a lot of insight, joy, and sadness from this conversation. I was so happy to find a coworker I was able to connect with on this level. It also made me feel like all my concerns were so trivial and that my life is so easy. It made me grateful and also inspired me.
When she told me all of this, at some point, I told her “that is sad”. And she was quiet for a long time. Later she texted me about this and told me she was happy to talk to me and share our different perspectives. She said that at the moment, she didn’t know how to respond when I told her “that is sad”. She responded that different countries’ cultural and societal conditions will bring different problems and that everyone has their own life problems to solve. But whether it is a good or bad thing, it is still an experience in one’s life, and not to worry.
I sometimes wonder what my life would’ve been like if I grew up in China. I always wonder if it would’ve been better. But I think she is right. Regardless, no matter where we are in life, everyone will still have their own problems, and that is just part of the experience of life.
xoxo,
dramaqueensoph
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